Sexual Jokes

Strings Atached The Earing Cherry Bomb Guess What I'm Doing The Favor Get It Right Dad Lying Wife The Salesman Erection 1 2 3 It's Momma's Fault Fishing Why Daddy Is Fat Blind Pumpernikle Bread 3 For A Dollar Got to Tell Someone Two Italian Men Hot for you Turner Brown The Alligator The Coma Pickle Slicer Stay Fresh My name is... My First Blowjob Meeting in the lobby

Strings Atached

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that it was a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a genie!"

"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."


The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond wildest dreams."


The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."


The Arab is turned into a Tampax.

The MORAL of the story is: Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.

The Earing

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male coworker is wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Oh, yeah, sure." says Bob sheepishly.

"Really? How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Cherry Bomb

After having their 10th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Kentuckian said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Ohio to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Kentucky. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count,"1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Guess What I'm Doing

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

The Favor

Recently, President Clinton and Boris Yeltsin had a conference on the spread of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases in their countries. Yeltsin asked Clinton how he and his administration are attempting to stop the spread of AIDS.

"We promote abstinence in the United States," Clinton told him.

"That would never work in the USSR," Yeltsin replied. "People are going to have sex, and the government can`t do or say anything to stop that. I want to promote the use of condoms in my country. The problem is, we don`t have any good condom companies in Russia."

"Well, in the US we have many condom companies, and one of the best is Trojan," Clinton told him. "Let me give the president of the company a call. I`ll ask him to send some condoms to you, so you can distribute them in your country. How many do you want?"

"We`d probably need about 5 million or so to start," Yeltsin replied.

"Okay. That should be no problem." Clinton thought for a second, then asked, "You will probably want a variety of sizes, right?"

"No," said Yeltsin. "All of the condoms should be the regulation 10 inches long and 2 inches wide."

"10 inches long!? 2 inches wide!?" thought Clinton, but he said only, "That should be no problem, Boris." Mr. Yeltsin thanked the president, and they parted ways.

When Clinton got back to the Oval Office, he called the president of the Trojan Condom Company. "I need a favor from you, Peter," said Clinton. "I need you to send about 5 million condoms to Boris Yeltsin in the USSR. The condoms must be 10 inches long and 2 inches wide. On each condom, I want you to write 'MADE IN THE USA' on one side, and 'SIZE MEDIUM' on the other."

Get It Right Dad!

The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted to impress her date. "Do you like to screw?" he asked.

"Huh?!" replied the surprised date.

"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's good at it. She sometimes spends all night screwing. You and her should go screw," explained the father.

Now very interested the boy replied, "Yes, sir!!!"

Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed,

"Dammit, Daddy, it's the TWIST, get it right!"

Lying Wife

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."


"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

The Salesman

One day the travelling dildo salesman visited a new town and went about plying his wares to all the wives who were home.

He went to the first house and showed the first wife all of his wares. She thought for a little bit, trying to decide between the medium-sized pink one, and the large black one. Eventually, she bought the large black one.

He went to the second house, and showed his dildos to the second wife. She too, bought the large black dildo.

He went to the third and fourth houses, and all happened as before.

He went to the fifth house, and showed all of his wares to the fifth wife. Her eyes opened wide for a moment before saying "I'll take the huge silver one." The salesman looked slightly confused for a second, but went ahead and charged her double what he normally charged for the large black one.

When he got home that evening his wife asked him how his day had gone. He replied it had gone well. "How many dildos did you sell?" she asked.

"Well," he said, "I sold four of the large black ones............and my thermos."

Erection 1 2 3

After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind.", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke ........ The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says "All you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?

It's Momma's Fault

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."


A group of couples went on a fishing trip.

By midweek the ladies had noticed that Mildred was getting the most fish.

So the girls ask her how she did it.

she replied, "When I wake up in the morning I look at my husband's 'Peter'. And if it is lying to the left I fish on the left side of the boat. If it hangs to the right I fish on the right side of the boat."

One girl asks," But what if it is standing straight up? Then what do you do?"

Mildred replies," Then we DON'T GO FISHING."

Why Daddy Is Fat

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him". His mom is taken by surprise and says. " Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "That won't work." His mom says, "Why?". And the boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"


How do you spot a blind man at a nudist colony ?

....It ain't hard !

Pumpernikle Bread

There were these two 95 year old men sitting at the senior center one day when the one states,

"I have to get right home!"

"What's your hurry?" askes the other.

"Me and the wife are having sex again today".

"Again? How often do you have sex?"

"Every day! I don't have time to talk but I'll tell you what the secret is... Pumpernikle Bread". And he scurried off.

As the other old guy was walking home, he passed a bakery and wandered in. "Do you have any Pumpernikle Bread?" he asked the lady behind the counter.

"Yes, we have 3 shelves of Pumpernikle Bread".

"I'll take it all." the old man blurts out.

The lady was surprised and says "All of it! It will get hard"


3 For A Dollar

Two old ladies went into a grocery store and enquired about the price of cucumbers.

"50 cents each or 3 for a dollar." said the shopkeeper.

The first old lady looked at the other one questioningly.

"Well, we can always eat the other one." said her friend.

Got to Tell Someone

A young single guy finds himself stranded on a deserted island. As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand. Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life. Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford.

Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man. Days and weeks go by, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes.

Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together and I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?"

"Sure," she says," if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts it on.

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does so.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

Two Italian Men

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once more. Two asses they come together again. I come again and then pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady'" said the man. "Who talkin abouta sexa? Im'ma tellun my frienda how to spella "MISSISSIPPI."

Hot For You

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

Turner Brown

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown." The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around

The Alligator

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

The Coma

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

Stay Fresh

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

My name is...

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

My First Blowjob

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

Meeting in the lobby

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221." - Free Targeted Banner Advertising - Free Targeted Banner Advertising
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