"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a genie!"
"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond wildest dreams."
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."
The Arab is turned into a Tampax.
The MORAL of the story is: Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.
"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Oh, yeah, sure." says Bob sheepishly.
"Really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count,"1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
"We promote abstinence in the United States," Clinton told him.
"That would never work in the USSR," Yeltsin replied. "People are going to have sex, and the government can`t do or say anything to stop that. I want to promote the use of condoms in my country. The problem is, we don`t have any good condom companies in Russia."
"Well, in the US we have many condom companies, and one of the best is Trojan," Clinton told him. "Let me give the president of the company a call. I`ll ask him to send some condoms to you, so you can distribute them in your country. How many do you want?"
"We`d probably need about 5 million or so to start," Yeltsin replied.
"Okay. That should be no problem." Clinton thought for a second, then asked, "You will probably want a variety of sizes, right?"
"No," said Yeltsin. "All of the condoms should be the regulation 10 inches long and 2 inches wide."
"10 inches long!? 2 inches wide!?" thought Clinton, but he said only, "That should be no problem, Boris." Mr. Yeltsin thanked the president, and they parted ways.
When Clinton got back to the Oval Office, he called the president of the Trojan Condom Company. "I need a favor from you, Peter," said Clinton. "I need you to send about 5 million condoms to Boris Yeltsin in the USSR. The condoms must be 10 inches long and 2 inches wide. On each condom, I want you to write 'MADE IN THE USA' on one side, and 'SIZE MEDIUM' on the other."
"Huh?!" replied the surprised date.
"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's good at it. She sometimes spends all night screwing. You and her should go screw," explained the father.
Now very interested the boy replied, "Yes, sir!!!"
Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed,
"Dammit, Daddy, it's the TWIST, get it right!"
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
He went to the first house and showed the first wife all of his wares. She thought for a little bit, trying to decide between the medium-sized pink one, and the large black one. Eventually, she bought the large black one.
He went to the second house, and showed his dildos to the second wife. She too, bought the large black dildo.
He went to the third and fourth houses, and all happened as before.
He went to the fifth house, and showed all of his wares to the fifth wife. Her eyes opened wide for a moment before saying "I'll take the huge silver one." The salesman looked slightly confused for a second, but went ahead and charged her double what he normally charged for the large black one.
When he got home that evening his wife asked him how his day had gone. He replied it had gone well. "How many dildos did you sell?" she asked.
"Well," he said, "I sold four of the large black ones............and my thermos."
Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind.", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke ........ The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "All you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
By midweek the ladies had noticed that Mildred was getting the most fish.
So the girls ask her how she did it.
she replied, "When I wake up in the morning I look at my husband's 'Peter'. And if it is lying to the left I fish on the left side of the boat. If it hangs to the right I fish on the right side of the boat."
One girl asks," But what if it is standing straight up? Then what do you do?"
Mildred replies," Then we DON'T GO FISHING."
....It ain't hard !
"I have to get right home!"
"What's your hurry?" askes the other.
"Me and the wife are having sex again today".
"Again? How often do you have sex?"
"Every day! I don't have time to talk but I'll tell you what the secret is... Pumpernikle Bread". And he scurried off.
As the other old guy was walking home, he passed a bakery and wandered in. "Do you have any Pumpernikle Bread?" he asked the lady behind the counter.
"Yes, we have 3 shelves of Pumpernikle Bread".
"I'll take it all." the old man blurts out.
The lady was surprised and says "All of it! It will get hard"
The old man replies "WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT THIS BUT ME?"
"50 cents each or 3 for a dollar." said the shopkeeper.
The first old lady looked at the other one questioningly.
"Well, we can always eat the other one." said her friend.
Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man. Days and weeks go by, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together and I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?"
"Sure," she says," if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts it on.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does so.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once more. Two asses they come together again. I come again and then pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady'" said the man. "Who talkin abouta sexa? Im'ma tellun my frienda how to spella "MISSISSIPPI."