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Nasty Jokes


Lesbian Frogs Morticans Red and Green Angry Bartender Milk The Wall Religous Bear The fastest thing in the world Definitely Thuds Captians Log Where no man has gone before

Lesbian Frogs

Q. What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

A. Gee, we really do taste like chicken!


Morticans

There were three morticians trading stories in a bar one night. The first one says, "What a day I had today. The guy wasn't wearing his seatbelt and his head flew into the windshield. Took me all day to make the face look natural."

Not to be outdone, the second mortician says, "You think that's bad? I had this guy in who got hit by a train while he was riding his bike. Took me TWO days to put all the pieces back together!"

The third mortician just shook his head. "You guys have it easy," he said. "I had this female parachutist whose chute didn't open. She landed on a flagpole and it took me all week just to wipe the smile off her face!"


Red and Green

Q: What is red and green and goes 160MPH?

A: A frog in a blender


Angry Bartender

Q: How do you know when a female bartender is mad at you ?

A:Their's a string hanging out of your bloody marry.


Milk

There were three guys hitchiking along the roads of a plain, boring field because their car overheated from the long drive. Exhausted, hungry, and thirsty from the long walk, they were desperately willing to stay over anywhere. Fortunately, they saw about a mile ahead of them a cow ranch, filled with hundreds of cows. They decided to stay there for the night. So they looked for the main office to ask the ranch owner if they could stay for the night. However, the ranch owner left for the day and no one was there. Too tired from their journey, they decided rather to sleep with the cows than walk forever. They each slept under a cow.

One guy said, "I'm hungry and thirsty, what will we eat and drink?"

Another guy suggested to drink the milk from the cow since they were lying beneath the milk sac. So they began to suck and drink.

The first guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full."

The second guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full."

The third guy said, "My cow's milk doesn't taste quite right."

The first and second guy then said to the third guy, "Well, try another nipple, that one probably has no more milk."

The third guy in a confused state exclaimed, "But how come my cow has only one, long, nipple!?"


The Wall

Three guys, a Pak, a Srilankan and an Indian are out walking together one day. When they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total" says the Genie.

The Srilankan says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Sri Lanka." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Srilanka was forever made fertile for farming.

The Paki was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Pakistan, so that no foreigners can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Pakistan.

The Indian asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the state. Nothing can get in or out."

The Indian says, "Fill it up with water."


Religous Bear

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear. In all his fears, his attempt to shoot the bear was unsuccessful. He turned away and started to run as fast as he could. Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said,

"My God! Please give this bear some religion!"

Then, there was a lightning in the air and the bear stopped just a feet short of the hunter. The bear was puzzled and looked up in the air and said, "My God! Thank you for the food I am about to receive... "


The fastest thing in the world

Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world.

First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."

Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."

Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light." Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think its the Mexican-two-step diarrhea."

All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"

Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha home-made Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapenas and some chili peppers I never saw before."

First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?"

Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed? I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn that damn light on....


Definitely

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."


Thuds

A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

"I'll give you a lift."

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."

The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."


Captian's Log

Q: Why did Spock look in the toilet?

A: To see the captain's log.


Where no man has gone before

Q: Why did Spock shit on the ceiling?

A: He wanted to go where no man has gone before.

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